The Struggle of Self-Dissagreement

The Endless Inner Conflict

For quite some time, I have found myself in a perpetual disagreement with my own mind—on nearly every subject: whether to move or stay, pursue a PhD or quit, prioritize family or friends, choose love or friendship, embrace sex or abstain, socialize or remain in seclusion, even the meaning of life versus the lure of death. No matter the topic, disagreement is the common thread, unraveling throughout my thoughts.

The Weight of Discord

These mental battles weigh on me constantly, robbing me of peace, sleep, and the energy to chase happiness. I find myself unable to tolerate people most of the time, yet I also cannot stand to be without them. I deplore their ways, yet just as much, I deplore what I’ve become—how both they and I have shaped me.

The Paradox of Giving

There is that old adage, “It’s better to give than receive,” but I can’t help but think it needs a critical caveat: only once in a while. To always give and receive nothing in return drains the spirit. That is the rut—no, the bottomless pit—into which I have allowed myself to fall, and which I have pitifully accepted as my lot: to live so others may enjoy happier, more fulfilled lives.

The Loneliness of the Giver

Among the billions on this planet, it is striking that I have yet to meet even one person who truly cares for my happiness or fulfillment, or who genuinely wants me. The reality is stark: everyone is in the game of life for what they can gain. Takers always expect more; as long as one keeps giving, they will stay, valuing the giver only for what is given. The moment the giving stops, they disappear—a truth often too painful for the giver to confront. So the giver keeps giving, clinging to the illusion of friendship and love, desperately afraid of a life lived wholly, miserably alone.

A Hint of Depression

All of this, the endless disagreement, the exhaustion from giving, and the profound loneliness, points to the presence of depression—a shadow that lingers over every thought and decision.